I have been thinking some about the term (and the "diagnosis") of "codependency"...
...partially because I have been called (and am definitely somewhat) "codependent"...
And the more I contemplate it, the more some very central thoughts (and experiences) flood into my mind...
It's ironic that the first website at which I looked for a formal list of "symptoms" of codependency started out like this:
If you wonder whether you may be codependent, you’re not alone. (Codependency for Dummies, 2nd Edition; hey, it was the first link...!)
Hmmm, part of why at least I think I am "codependent" is because I don't want to walk through a majority of this life without a "significant other"; in other words, walking it "alone". (Note I say "significant other"; this does not necessarily mean a spouse).
Now please understand, as Christians (or really as any human being on this planet), we are never "alone". Daily, there are other people who surround us; hopefully most of us are blessed to have at least one person who says that he or she is "there for us" (and will actually be there when times get stormy); and most importantly, there is Jesus Christ, Whose Spirit, for the Christian, is actually living within us (John 14:15-18: you can't get more intimate than that...but back to this fact a little later).
The list of "symptoms" for this "malady" are many, and a majority of them have to deal with the individual him or herself (negative characteristics that would tend to contribute to his/her codependency). But the one attribute that I would like to hone in on and to present in a slightly different (and Biblical) frame, is the one that declares: "dependency: afraid of being alone or out of a relationship" or I would rephrase and call it an ongoing, sometimes intense need, or even craving, for a relationship.
Boil this down to one word: an intense need for INTIMACY...and yes, accompanied by a deep sense of sadness, fear, anxiety, and possibly even hopelessness if one does not have it.
Would you define this as being "codependent"?
Some would: even based on just this one "symptom".
But let's look at this world, and then take a peek at what the Bible says about having a need, even yearning for, intimacy; and what happens or can happen when this is not consistently present in a person's life.
First what's happening in the world. Now I can only really speak somewhat to what is going on in this Westernized culture. Technology appears to be king, and much of it tends to isolate rather than unite. In fact, as most of you know, we can have "social" encounters (kind of like this one!) without even seeing the other person's face or hearing his or her voice; have "friends" we don't even know; and lose ourselves (and lose touch with others) through the "virtual reality?" of the lives of those on television. There is also a growing philosophy of "me first" (and sometimes "me only" - "selfie"?), which completely eradicates the social and spiritual muscle (and humility) it takes to nurture strong bonds with another live, flesh and blood, human being. And loosely connected with that mindset is the often lukewarm stance we take when assisting others: this far and no further (especially if it challenges our own resources of money, energy, and/or time). In fact, this modern world actually tends to "craft" people who become "codependent" (in the diagnostic sense) as a result of the solitary and selfish lifestyle it advertises.
No wonder we crave attention.
And we still do! Just the other day I saw a woman power walking but also talking on her cell phone. There is an advantage to all the technology in that we can be in touch with or reached by another person almost anytime, anywhere. We look to be LinkedIn, MatchedUp, and "Harmonized" with someone on a day-to-day basis. And every now and again, we still have those family celebrations, heart-to-heart one-on-ones, and intimate times of sharing with that lifetime companion that so deliciously satisfy the heart and mind...if only for a brief period of time. Even songs of recent yesteryear croon that "One" (is the loneliest number); (somewhat scandalously state that) "any lovin' is good lovin', so I took what I could get"; and (not-so-virtuously recommend that) "if you can't be with the one you love (honey), love the one you're with". Not that any of these pieces offer solid, life-giving truth...but they do suggest the idea of not being alone/ being close with another person. (Three Dog Night, Bachman Turner Overdrive, and Stephen Stills, respectively).
And here's another thought. The song lyrics above being a somewhat loose example, what we see and hear (or don't see and hear) strongly communicates what is really important in a particular society. For instance, how often does one turn on a radio station and hear about conferences for single people or about the joys of being single? Or how many times have you read about how to live gladly outside of a relationship as compared to how to fix a broken one?
We don't want to be alone...OR...we do have a need...even an INTENSE need...for intimacy with another or others.
Now let me refer briefly back to the mention of Jesus Christ being a Christian's "all in all". It's true. No earthly or heavenly doubt about it. And He wants it that way (Deuteronomy 5:6-9; Revelation 2:4); actually for everyone. Whether we have no significant other or several or many of them (and again, a "significant other" does not necessarily have to be a spouse; it's that person or person's who know us on a deeper level, love us regardless(!), and who are truly there for us and we for them on an ongoing, even daily, basis), God is supposed to be our "Number 1". But that Reality was and is meant to go side-by-side with, not supplant, the fact that we also are supposed to need and help take care of each other (Psalm 118:7 [AMP]). This is probably why I find myself bristling some when I hear single folks told (often by married ones) that we shouldn't be so saddened by our lack of a partner because "Jesus is your all in all," or when someone who is lonely on an ongoing basis and seeks help for it is told that he or she is idolizing people. Surely, these pieces of advice are friendly reminders for those whose angst or vocalizing has gone to an extreme; but I believe they also can be a quick and easy way ("this far and no further") to avoid addressing the intimacy the person may so desperately need in his or her life by trying to fill those holes with mere words that can end up seeming harsh and even accusatory.
So what DOES God Himself, through His Word, show us about our need for intimacy (and consider: something often becomes a craving when it is not being satisfied in its originally-intended way). Let's take a look:
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”... So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. (Genesis 2:18, 21) (Even God said it was not good for someone to be alone; and to make sure that didn't occur, He Himself literally took some of Adam and fashioned Eve for him. How intimate is that...?).
So it came about when Moses held his hand up, that Israel prevailed, and when he let his hand down, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands were heavy. Then they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it; and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set. So Joshua overwhelmed Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword. (Exodus 17:11-13) (Here is "codependency" at its finest: in order for Joshua to win the battle below, God had it worked out that Moses needed to hold his rod up over the fighting. But Moses was human too, so he needed help; not just prayer, but present, physical assistance. So Aaron and Hur were literally there by his side, each holding up one of Moses's hands. And as a result, the battle was won).
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) (Coming from one of the Wisdom Books in the Bible, Ecclesiastes, this passage speaks - loudly - for itself. And surely, the necessary third strand, for any relationship to work in the way it was meant to, is God).
But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. (Hebrews 3:13) (A while ago, I did some study on the original meaning of the word "encourage". I found it fascinating and relevant to this topic that one of the definitions was to "call one by name"; in other words, to help each other avoid being led astray in our ways of thinking or doing, God knew we would need to not loosely give one another periodic pats on the back, but DAILY to offer encouragement - which means to be an instrument of giving someone courage - and to precede it with that person's name: which was meant to be an intimate, unique identifier of that human being).
Oh my, there are many other examples, and already I am so glad for those who have read this far! The entire Book of Song of Solomon relates a supremely intimate relationship. King David and Saul's son, Jonathan, loved each other dearly; so much so that they made a covenant of love and protection that intimately bound their souls together (1 Samuel 18:1-5). Mary and Martha physically lived and often spiritually served Jesus together as a pair (Luke 10:38-42; John 11:1-5, 17-20). Somewhat similarly, Jesus never sent his disciples out alone, but always to journey and minister with another (Matthew 21:2; Mark 11:1, 14:13, Luke 7:19 [NASB]. Mark 6:7; Luke 10:1 [NKJV]); and He Himself was intimately involved with his disciples (John 13:23-25) as He journeyed to the cross (Matthew 26:36-38). We are told we should "bear one another's burdens and thereby fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:1-2), and that we should not spend most of our time "going so far and no further" (James 2:14-17).
We were not meant to live out this life alone; in fact, it is evident that the originally-intended way we were supposed to "do life" was and still is in intimate relationship with another or with others (e.g., Acts 2:44-47). Not once in a while, but consistently...daily. These days some would refer to that as being codependent. But to desire this when we don't have it...or to even crave it if those times of intimacy are extremely few and far between...or to be sad, even afraid, if we look around and find ourselves without many...or any..."significant others"...would you truly call that "codependency"?
Or would you call it normal?
According to the long list of "symptoms," not many may actually be considered "codependent" in the diagnostic sense. However, if we're going by that Biblically-based and God-crafted need, even yearning, for that gentle hand; that encouraging word; and yes, that earthly love from another human being (not to replace God's Love, but to reflect it)...and a resulting sadness/emptiness/loneliness that sets in when we don't have it on a regular basis...then we should all be "diagnosed" as completely codependent and thus supremely human.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
"...A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”
(John 13:34-35)
In JESUS's Love, which NEVER fails...Amen.
Terri
